What?! What do you mean, I mean I see what you mean, but that can't possibly be what you really want... could it?
Could everything that you told me about what you feel, about what you desperately wanted for our future...
You see, I SEE you in my future with every daydream that I fathom to make my reality, withheld by circumstance that you only see as obstacles for OUR happiness, or maybe enablers for your "fear", that rears its head every time I attempt to make process within my means, but it seems that without a situation being built to your exact blueprint... you can't reside there... or won't reside where the schematics are comprised of your past experiences, others influences, oh... and my mistakes.... damn those mistakes...
Those mistakes that allow you to justify your every move, and leaves me with different perspectives, partly trying to justify, partly trying to get you to empathize that as you feel like you have made irrational decisions out of your "love" for me, that maybe I fell into the same trap of trying to make things as perfect as the girl that I stumbled upon vicariously and who skewed my view of attraction to the most euphoric paramount... The girl that even before I laid eyes on her in person, knew that this girl had entered my life for an permanent indentation on my destiny.
But back to this mistake, that when analyzed by a unbiased confidante says you were "dead wrong, with good intentions". With that being said, I can understand that while your heart aches and the tears travel down well worn tracks gradually succumbing to gravity, your cheeks sending warm signals to your mind, who in turn flashes red danger signs to your frontal lobe, who in turn stops all bflow of emotion to your heart and forces a code orange, with an elevated sense of protection...
But every so often... maybe every minute... or every other hour, a brief lapse in the security alert allows your heart temporary transmissions of smiles and energies exchanged during our interactions, whether they were from our "high silence", listening sessions, mutually peering into perspective windows of souls, random phone conversations full of laughter and introspection, and those kisses... those kisses, the ONE thing that you believe from me. The undeniable altering of the atmosphere caused by the supernova conceived from the communication of lips that say nothing...
Maybe it was just me misinterpreting... my proclaimed prowess for energy may have just been exposed by a woman whose phenomenal beauty caused me to fall into a state where I conjured visions of grandeur compensating for a void left by a desire to love, but devoid of the initiative and commitment to establish the foundation. Maybe you left a long time ago, from your first suspicions, but had the yearning to identify aspects of love that you desired in the next nigga that will have the enviable task of trying to reach your heart... a journey not made for the weak, nor the procrastinator, nor the ones with characteristics of the "others", nor the ones who make forgivable reprehensible acts...basically the humans... I implore you to not be human.
I don't want this to sound like my resignation, but this whole pulling out thing... scares the bejesus out of me. You are a lot more in touch with your fear. Maybe you guys are on a more personal level. Fear, because I have SOMEWHAT dodged its ever asphyxiating grasp, looks for me through different alleys and nooks such as dreams and random thoughts, thoughts that of course it would never work, you can't do anything for her that others can't... you can't wine and dine, fuck wine and dine, you can't even consistently dinner and a movie, you can't provide that cozy one bedroom with the serene view with the audi in the secure garage, shit I can't even fix the CLASYQ... at least not at the immediate moment.... but isn't that what its all about? Why take hope for a better future when you can control the stagnant state, why cling to the flow of optimism with it unexpected turns and unforseeable outcomes, WHY NOT nuture the seed that has planted and already sprouted buds of happiness, so the first harvest wasn't EVERYTHING you could have hoped for... was it a COMPLETE wash? Was there no indulgence in the juciness of the fruit of growth and happiness ?!?!
So, I'm just supposed to not think of the cultivation, not to think of possibilities, not to see US in your eyes, not to want what was very recently here, not to be gone... No ? Oh, just until my finance provides a different circumstance... or however it happens....COME ON big break for my career... or CA Lottery... I'm not a chooser right now :-/
But if it doesn't happen in the time frame your frame of mind deems appropriate, I guess its just somber memories, with my name etched next to the others who could have been something but just didn't have what it takes, or didnt give what you wanted, or took but didnt deposit...and you escape to AZ where some other soul waits to be unknowingly, yet undeniably entranced in your ambiance...
I said I wasn't going to expound too much, I figured that I would just give a concise statement of how helpless I felt, how I just disagreed with your decision, how I wanted to give you happiness, but not how you see it now, but as I am figuring out, it often doesnt work out how you envision...
So I say all this to say, I will continue the fight, how... now... that is the question...
Do I... give you what I think you want...
Do I... go to every extreme within my power to prove that I am not going anywhere no matter what...
Do I... believe
Do I... fear
No... I don't fear... I believe.... DO YOU ?
-BajanSensation
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