Lost in Angel Land...

Should I have come out here?

...that's a question that I frequently pose. Did I disregard stability for a dream? Was it a mistake to abandon the stressful, yet structurally sound plan that existed in law school. My heart says no, I love the opportunity that I have to pursue my dreams in a environment that has proved conducive to success for others in the past. But then the negativity of events like what I encountered today temporarily cause me to doubt my zealousness. I guess that is the perfect foreshadowing to the event... So as of late, I have been actively looking for an agency to help with my marketing and visibility. I had been largely hindered due in large part that I had a lack of pictures as I just cut my hair. Then came B, my wonderful photographer, whose artistic vision and desire to progress truly motivates me, and I had finally got some images that I could take to the perspective agencies, from which point I could move forward. Well, immediately upon receiving the images I was sooo impressed, I mean I was really happy, I knew that they weren't Jill Greenberg or anything, but from what I was expecting, I was more than grateful. Immediately, I began to try and get the photos seen by anyone who would look. The feedback was positive, so with that input, I went and tried to push the pictures. I sent them to a well known agency and I got a email saying they were "very interested" in my look and wanted to meet to discuss my marketbility. So I meet with the scouts of the agency and they said they wanted to sign me as soon as possible, that they were still very interested and would like to sign me before someone else did. Then, comes today's meeting with the "boss". He takes a quasi glimpse at the pictures and says "no". The scout begins to attest and say that he has great pictures and I think that we would be foolish not to sign him. He takes looks at the other images I had online and proceeds to explain to me that he can't sign me because I don't have "great" pictures, and that there are "too many" black men that I share the same look and physique with...tells me that's what happens when you don't shoot with a "professional" and thanks me for my time.

Whew... I was pissed! Not only did I disagree with his perspective, but I thought the whole process was a complete waste of my time. It had honestly taken a lot of wind out of my sails because of the initial interest they displayed. Upon further retrospection, I realized that this was just an example of the beauracratic bullshit that goes on in this city. Or... was it just another example of some divine communication meant to put the stamp on my denial. Well, good thing I am stubborn and immediately I brushed my shoulders off, called B, and let him know that we had haters and how could we step it up to the next level.

On the way home, I had a little bit of time to reflect on the things that have happened to me in my short time in L.A. It made me think of HER, and how I wished that everything would just be how I envisioned it. I then realized that progress can sometimes be a slow process, and I just vowed to continue to stay true to my heart, regardless how painful it was. This city is teaching me so much about being humble, about reestablishing your grind, about stepping out of my social boundaries, about taking advantage of opportunities, about diversity among similarities, and about love, both internally and externally. I thank you for that L.A. and I promise that as much as you have left an indention on me... I will promise to leave my mark on you...

"Los Angeles is just a more open place. The way L.A. functions is that people give you a forum. They say, Show us what you can do. "
-Esa-Pekka Salonen

"Pick your enemies carefully or you'll never make it in Los Angeles"
-Rona Barrett




-BajanSensation

Re-Run ?

Have you ever felt like you were caught up in a parallel world where your destiny was already determined, but in order to fulfill your destiny you had a set of tasks or accomplishments that you had to accomplish before you received your "divine decree" ?!

Well today, (actually two days ago) my insomniac conduct including, the perusal of HER entire blog archive. Yeah, I know you may be pondering the fact that maybe that was a little compulsive, but an irresistible urge compelled me to reach in HER past, so that I did not become a permanent afterthought in it.

I read of a woman going through the intrinsically beautiful maturation of self evolution. You know those experiences when you find that you are not made for nuances of complacency or dormancy....when you embrace that GOD has given you A purpose. Well, some of you may not know of which I speak, because there is no definitive window in which this epiphany reveals itself, and if not properly cultivated or recognized, this enlightenment can easily be misconstrued or even ignored.

Now, this "enlightenment" can be quite treacherous especially if foreshadowed by an environment that was either tightly controlled or was comprised of events and/or people that were previously perplexing. Imagine if you can like a floodgate furiously unleashing a semblance of understanding, because with all of this knowledge, still does not equate to wisdom.

Perhaps the most intricate component of the equation is the "purpose". Everything that you thought you were supposed to do or that you thought you knew comes under question. Things that were cloudy are completely obscured now. The mode in which you formally operated in seems ignorant or foreign at the least. Everything and everyone comes under some sort of scrutiny or assessment. But is this the cause of the revelation? To shake your world, to make you question everything or everyone in your world? Because now instead of utilizing this tool as clarification, it has become a medium for confusion, which is the DEVIL's playground. The perspective in which arbitrate your decision making is forever altered.

In this case, I believe that while she was beginning the aforementioned process, she was in the midst of a relationship that she had already had issues with establishing a sound foundation. This was further complicated by a preexisting complexity with relationship of the male species. Compile all of these factors and its easy to see how fear begins to set a precedent.

I saw the post about how she dated some guy and in the earlier ones she spoke of feelings that evoked similarities. Similarities of feelings that in some backroom cubbyhole named naive' I thought were created when our paths intersected. It's not just my ego, but I swear no girl has ever caused such a sizable alteration of my vision or faith in the opposite sex. I generally have this thing within the first week or so of talking to a girl I generally can fortell if I will still have that "new car' feeling. But from the first conversation we had, there was that euphoric chemistry, laughs... fears... flirting... aspirations expressed... those smiles you can hear through the phone.... boundaries pleasantly crossed :)... it was unexplainable the energy I felt, definitely one of a kind. I assumed mutuality in this, but as my eyes canvassed the blogs, I noticed eerily familiar instances of HER feeling that same connection. Then came the same intuitive hunches of infidelity in her past. I watched chronologically where she waged the same battle on the indecision of LOVE. That indecision mixed with the enlightenment caused further review of self. Knowing that you now possess the ability and knowledge to achieve so much overshadows and somewhat diminishes your previous accomplishments, yet highlights your shortcomings.

This can become quite overwhelming, this mix of progress, yet a seemingly inescapable urge to be consumed by past experiences, as opposed to embracing the possibilities of the future and your new found gift. I saw the same inquisitions as to the definition, the origin and the destination of LOVE. I began to ponder as to whether even considering the circumstances, was I bought into her life as a result of manifest destiny to define LOVE in your life, to really open HER eyes as to the possibilities and reality of its existence on a relationship level? Or was I just another stepping stone in her life, even further jading her, reinforcing a apathy with matters of the heart? In my deliberation, I swear I have come up with every possibility in regards. The only conclusion is that our paths have intersected and are meant to be intertwined, and no matter the lessons that have to be learned, I will apply myself diligently. I have come to the cessation that thing that wont allow me to leave... is my heart. Its yours, like it or not... until destiny says otherwise.

"History does not repeat itself, but it does rhyme"

Mark Twain


P.S. Thousand apologies if this seems to jump a little, it was heavy and hard to put into words :)


This is just a photographic microcosm of what WILL be...

-BajanSensation

Oh I Just Remembered...I GOTTA Write...

If I actually had people who read my blog yet, they would probably think that I have nothing to do, as I am in the process of creating my third extensive blog within the last twelve hours. So, I was speaking to my brother Messiah, and I almost forgot how much he inspires me to not only stay on my grind, but to own it. In case you don't know, Messiah is a LYRICIST. Point blank period. Of course we are not biologically related, but he is def my brother from another mother. Since we met @ THE MECCA ( That's Howard University for you less informed ;-p) we had a immediate connection, we were roommates the summer of 06, and from that perspective, I really got to observe the intricacies of his blessing. Not to mention we had a lot in common, from being West Indian, both writing & both being LEO's :) Anyway, he trusted me with the publicist responsibilities of his career, and GOD allowed that to blossom into more exposure of his gift. I am blessed to be apart of the "Royal Alliance", shouts to Black Ice...anyway, I was looking in the archives and I found one of his earlier pieces titled "I Gotta Write", and it was before I heard this piece that I was in a similar funk of "non-writing", this song definitely lit the fire to that crockpot called inspiration, and the juices of creativity that had stewed and marinated were finally able to be released and it is through this that I hope to reaffirm my renewed commitment to written expression, as well as any other people who may have that writer's block. I would post more of his stuff, but no one really reads this yet, and most of the people that I know, already know of him...anyway... enjoy...




P.S. A Thousand apologies for the digital delay, but focus on listening :)

"I GOTTA write because I fear GOD more than the Patriot Act"

Messiah

"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else."

-BajanSensation

Energies Found By Lost Sleep...

So, I don't know if it was the anticipation of HER response if any to my newly formed medium, or was it the restlessness inspired by random scenarios being played out in my brain as to how this could end...

Either way I neglected to reflect on my recent experience, or should I say the day that was before kryptonite came and did their duty... I digress...

Well, as most of you know, and for those that don't I am adamantly pursuing a career as and/or thespian or model. Now that I reside in the city where you can definitely make it happen, I figured why not, I feel as if I have a natural flair and have been told as well...anyway... prior to yesterday, I was feeling a little discouraged, or should I say more like frustrated with the progress that was going on in regards to the advancement of my career. I of ALL people know that progress can be a slow process, but being the constantly evolving wunderkind that I demand of myself, I can sometimes become consumed by the stagnation.

Being on the grind that I am, consists of me constantly utilizing various networking tools, i.e. word of mouth, publications & of course good ole CRAIGSLIST.... which bought me to my next step in my aspiration. While perusing some posts last week, I came across a guy that was willing to do TFCD which basically equates to that a photographer is willing to shoot photographs for mutual development of the perspective portfolios. Well, seeing as how my portfolio is very limited due to the fact that 1. I just kut all my locs off & 2. My portfolio wasn't that extensive prior to the kut, seeing as how I was only doing strictly modeling, and that was on a hobby type stance.

Now the thing about craigslist, is that you can find something that for the most part correlates with whatever you want to acquire, or provide. In retrospect though, the website succumbs to the simple laws of supply & demand. And in a ravenesque city like Los Angeles, a photographer offering his services for free is a GODsend, especially if you can reply to him before he is bombarded by your counterparts...

In his post, he states that he is a former grad student, who has a passion for photography and is looking to collaborate with those looking to be creative and grow. It was like the post was speaking to ME! :) So I reply, explaining my aspirations, and how I basically left law school in pursuit of it, so any assistance of his would greatly be appreciated. Unlike most posts, he responds and explains how he just applied to law school and recently parted ways with the work force and now he is doing photography in the meantime... He sends me a link to his website, and its nothing spectacular, but I began to think that "well as long as he can get me some headshots so that I could get the ball rolling on my Zen Cards. We speak and the initial energy I get from him is that he is a sincere guy who has a passion for shooting, and wouldn't mind allowing his passion to assist someone else on their grind.

We meet up @ USC and I meet this short Korean guy, from the jump I can tell we'll be kool. He has relaxed swag, personality wise and fashion wise. Throughout the day, we just talk and shoot, talk and shoot. Generally, when I meet someone, I have to get a feel for them, you know, what's appropriate to say, gauge their sense of humor, their comfort with you, the environment, etc. With him, it was totally different. We walked around looking for different shots, and magazines for prospective looks, and as we walked we spoke of hip-hop, family, the pro's and con's of l.a., sports, school, we even spoke of HER and how she loved photography and that I would love for HER to be able to come to a future shoot and just be able to contribute her budding talent to the wealth of creative, progressive energies we were both dispersing. Did I mention he has 23MP camera that shoots HD... I didn't even get to see all the photos, but just from looking at the LCD I could tell they were going to come out dope. I was admittedly a little nervous, as I STILL get anxiety from being in the limelight although I revel in it. Anyway, his mutual noviceness (yeah I may have JUST made that word up...but its my blog :), made it easier to focus on being the co-artists, instead of merely the model. Basically it was just two individuals with common destinations, taking two different routes, but still wise enough to listen to the others way. Thanks B! It just felt good to know that there were other people that I could vibe with, and it was a reminder that GOD will grant you the blessing of mutual intersection, leading to the possibility of a conjunction of paths unifying efforts, whether be work, sports, or LOVE related. It is our responsibility to decide to lean on his favor, or to allow the enemy to convolute our perception with fear and confusion.

As of this VERY moment, I love the idea of this blog, I have long said that I have been looking to attack writing hard, it is a love of mine, that gets neglected, for caution of imperfection, vulnerability, introspection, all minuscule when it comes to the benefits of writing. So if anyone EVER reads this, forgive my shortcomings, my ignorance, my tendency to be impetuous with actions and words, but also triumph in my accomplishment, discoveries...and you know it...CONSTANT EVOLUTION :)

"Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterday's omissions and regrets"

William Faulkner

-BajanSensation

My Arrival, & Our Goodbye ?!

6:47 p.m.: We need to stop communicating...

What?! What do you mean, I mean I see what you mean, but that can't possibly be what you really want... could it?

Could everything that you told me about what you feel, about what you desperately wanted for our future...

You see, I SEE you in my future with every daydream that I fathom to make my reality, withheld by circumstance that you only see as obstacles for OUR happiness, or maybe enablers for your "fear", that rears its head every time I attempt to make process within my means, but it seems that without a situation being built to your exact blueprint... you can't reside there... or won't reside where the schematics are comprised of your past experiences, others influences, oh... and my mistakes.... damn those mistakes...

Those mistakes that allow you to justify your every move, and leaves me with different perspectives, partly trying to justify, partly trying to get you to empathize that as you feel like you have made irrational decisions out of your "love" for me, that maybe I fell into the same trap of trying to make things as perfect as the girl that I stumbled upon vicariously and who skewed my view of attraction to the most euphoric paramount... The girl that even before I laid eyes on her in person, knew that this girl had entered my life for an permanent indentation on my destiny.

But back to this mistake, that when analyzed by a unbiased confidante says you were "dead wrong, with good intentions". With that being said, I can understand that while your heart aches and the tears travel down well worn tracks gradually succumbing to gravity, your cheeks sending warm signals to your mind, who in turn flashes red danger signs to your frontal lobe, who in turn stops all bflow of emotion to your heart and forces a code orange, with an elevated sense of protection...

But every so often... maybe every minute... or every other hour, a brief lapse in the security alert allows your heart temporary transmissions of smiles and energies exchanged during our interactions, whether they were from our "high silence", listening sessions, mutually peering into perspective windows of souls, random phone conversations full of laughter and introspection, and those kisses... those kisses, the ONE thing that you believe from me. The undeniable altering of the atmosphere caused by the supernova conceived from the communication of lips that say nothing...

Maybe it was just me misinterpreting... my proclaimed prowess for energy may have just been exposed by a woman whose phenomenal beauty caused me to fall into a state where I conjured visions of grandeur compensating for a void left by a desire to love, but devoid of the initiative and commitment to establish the foundation. Maybe you left a long time ago, from your first suspicions, but had the yearning to identify aspects of love that you desired in the next nigga that will have the enviable task of trying to reach your heart... a journey not made for the weak, nor the procrastinator, nor the ones with characteristics of the "others", nor the ones who make forgivable reprehensible acts...basically the humans... I implore you to not be human.

I don't want this to sound like my resignation, but this whole pulling out thing... scares the bejesus out of me. You are a lot more in touch with your fear. Maybe you guys are on a more personal level. Fear, because I have SOMEWHAT dodged its ever asphyxiating grasp, looks for me through different alleys and nooks such as dreams and random thoughts, thoughts that of course it would never work, you can't do anything for her that others can't... you can't wine and dine, fuck wine and dine, you can't even consistently dinner and a movie, you can't provide that cozy one bedroom with the serene view with the audi in the secure garage, shit I can't even fix the CLASYQ... at least not at the immediate moment.... but isn't that what its all about? Why take hope for a better future when you can control the stagnant state, why cling to the flow of optimism with it unexpected turns and unforseeable outcomes, WHY NOT nuture the seed that has planted and already sprouted buds of happiness, so the first harvest wasn't EVERYTHING you could have hoped for... was it a COMPLETE wash? Was there no indulgence in the juciness of the fruit of growth and happiness ?!?!

So, I'm just supposed to not think of the cultivation, not to think of possibilities, not to see US in your eyes, not to want what was very recently here, not to be gone... No ? Oh, just until my finance provides a different circumstance... or however it happens....COME ON big break for my career... or CA Lottery... I'm not a chooser right now :-/

But if it doesn't happen in the time frame your frame of mind deems appropriate, I guess its just somber memories, with my name etched next to the others who could have been something but just didn't have what it takes, or didnt give what you wanted, or took but didnt deposit...and you escape to AZ where some other soul waits to be unknowingly, yet undeniably entranced in your ambiance...

I said I wasn't going to expound too much, I figured that I would just give a concise statement of how helpless I felt, how I just disagreed with your decision, how I wanted to give you happiness, but not how you see it now, but as I am figuring out, it often doesnt work out how you envision...

So I say all this to say, I will continue the fight, how... now... that is the question...

Do I... give you what I think you want...
Do I... go to every extreme within my power to prove that I am not going anywhere no matter what...
Do I... believe
Do I... fear
No... I don't fear... I believe.... DO YOU ?

“The word 'freedom' means for me not a point of departure but a genuine point of arrival. The point of departure is defined by the word 'order'. Freedom cannot exist without the concept of order.”

Prince Metternich

-BajanSensation